Tattwas

Just Another Manic April 21, 2014

I have been called, am being called, have probably been calling myself towards—whatever is there. Towards magic and the fae and Dana and etc. –Dana at [uni]. The eye I saw that night with ________ (maybe my own). Dana on and on. Eire. And I have torn myself in that calling, for half my life; I hobble myself either way, and I have interpreted it as a divide between here and other.

I have been called,

And I have lurked at home, in my room and otherwise, and I want to do more. Dana calls me out of the flat and into the night, into the world, Saiyûnor or Haisuith. Stark. (Even if that divide is perceptual, paradigmatic.)

But I’m afraid of committing to either because—well—I can’t be what Haisuith wants me to be. And I care too much about my friends and family here to run away into the Otherworlds.

The “middle path” is negotiation, juggling, both worlds—harmonizing them—but I’m not sure how. I’ve been tugged between poles, back and forth, growing mad, depressed, and angry by degrees. And to go all the way over there would just—could…

That’s part of it. It could be just madness, delusion, and all those things Stark tells me it would be (and not to go all the way, to keep “waking up” here, dirty, disheveled, mad—let alone my memory of “egg lady” who had that man leading her around to the others like us…)

So, well, you feel alone and out of contact and unsocialized, marginalized. You need people, support.

You need to strengthen and discipline your approach, your negotiation with both worlds. If you can do so, oh, well—if that’s possible. Halthaya and mûl-ôl try to tell you you can’t. ____ tries to do so. ________. Hell, you try. And this, these moments are instances of the same—and your loneliness and frustration with your life.

So you need to talk with ________.

Do not freak out or rage. Stillness and wholeness—but get out and stroll where Dana and Saiyûnor lead you. Keep your head—don’t be—

I haven’t considered chakras very much than in a general manner re: aligning and Middle Pillar-like business, but it occurs to me I’ve been channeling and med’ing on [r-Elethis] and [WTAW] mostly through my crown and head, but I’ve never properly done well with the others, especially, I think, the heart (ol’ Tiphareth). Just hitting the heart isn’t as effective as also hitting throat/mouth along the way—and I imagine eventually those below. (Well, “hitting” as in opening.) My chest clenching anxiety and stress reactions could probably benefit from the heart, and my weird obsessiveness and headspace would also benefit from opening something else. If nothing else, tattwas used in yogic pranic practice are like WTAW, and using [r-Elethis] & others seems better than just pushing energy through.

It’s curious that most move root upwards while Feri goes from above downward: for me, it’s a grounding and empowerment of a fae into the earth realm in a way that’s controlled and powered on the fae’s part.

These are ways of trying to negotiate and join levels and worlds.

It’s weird learning that things like this help or matter, but I’ve been coming to these realizations on my own, and the path seems decidedly my own.

Dana has been calling, beckoning me towards, to see and know Saiyûnor, Ellethis, and my nature—forever. She has always done so. I haven’t known how to see or to exist, to live and act so that I know that reality, to get beyond halthaya and mûl-ôl, but it’s that magical reality and awareness and desire she beckons and points towards, and Ellethis helped break through—or it was my glorious initiation into this Otherworld. But she beckons and tells me I am always already here, this is always already here—

—and I grow manic and drawn into that world by her, by my awareness of her. And she is the divine fire that enflames my mind and mindfire—oh Goddess—

—and I can be like Angus and Mabon, I already am—

—and I want to keep working on chakras, meditation, focus, and spelling/alamûri.

I must, want to learn to marry action to speech and vision—

These days remind me of high school springs and Keats and Wordsworth.

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