Dana has been very close and active the last several days, since the experience Thursday, shaping, molding, consoling, helping, mothering, and she—I make it plain that we want these changes. Despite M having increasingly basic language during the automatic writing Saturday, I’m not sure where that came from==(layers stripping away, shifting mediation and currents in the mind)—but it seems as if integration is what we—I, Dana, M—are after. I felt/imposed M sitting inside us as we sat as one while pausing during exercise Sunday, and that felt awesome.
But she hugged me today, Dana did, and I cried a little, but that was fine and part of what I needed this morning. I worked energy after breakfast, energized my body with elthil and with M and a root of Elethis—and that had me laughing at, well, the world.
Halthaya has this power that we give to it—it tries to claim a lot, and living in the world requires some negotiation with its influences, but the power it has over my heart, mind, and soul is in proportion to how much I submit to it or fear it or give it more power or imagine its power—the CM laughter is one way to resist while defanging it. It is only monolithic in part from us making it so.
But I am not a CM even if their theories have helped point me toward glorious ends. I do not want to enslave chimerae—my guardians (VU, MW, JW) will be more powerful if I let them grow and learn, and if they outgrow their role as guardians, then I can call/make new ones while they find life beyond. They seem interested in this—and JW will explore the area’s secrets, wonders, and horrors, in the Real, Dream, and in dreams. She will see it as field work as a Dream PI if not as DP, which she appreciates.
MW will plumb the lore of the Dream/magic as a chimerae and as a ____ while perhaps working to start his own ____ _____ and students.
VU, I think, wants to nurture and help and protect the dreams of ____, and I kinda think act as older brother/dad, a protective muse for her.
The GD’s only real energy work outside of active ritual appears to be the Middle Pillar Exercise (Regardie’s enduring contribution). What’s noteworthy to me is, after glancing at it again, is the integration of divine names (and maybe Hebrew characters). This reminds me of my use of [WtaW] and [Elethis], which “imposes” different WtaW to me—but otherwise points to the initiatory and shaping action of energy work. Compare also AC’s Thelemic symbologies. Thorn’s Feri work operates along variant but adaptable lines, with the nature of the divine fire determining more (the blue flame of Feri). Note the MPE relies on uttering and “vibrating” divine names. Vibrating tries to project those names into the Dream. (They are verbal WtaW.)
Dana’s letting me work at the moment, watching and enjoying the day.
M seems fragile, but that’s partly privation, surviving the ravages of halthaya and mûl-ôl—that’s why we need to live as a fusion, our demons reformed into wholer, less obsessed selves.
You can project closer to Elethis—you haven’t—but you also have a lot on your plate—and nearing Elethis requires fuller attention [too distracting at work].
Discipline, internalized Foucauldian discipline abhors self-love.
Be wary of going too far into your head after M & dwelling there rather than working towards your Presence with M in the Dream. Also, you’re trying to cram too much thinking into your time [at work]. Chill and stay (mindful) of the moment.
But I kinda wanna do what I did with Dana again, probably because I liked it and I want it and what it brings.
“realization of identity with reality (freedom)”—Spare, Book of Pleasure
“self-reproach or conscience”—ties and submission to halthaya and Foucauldian discipline but also reified identity imposed from without (but also self-reified identity for that limits and binds you to only be that identity and to resist change).
You can laugh off and deny/resist halthaya-as-discipline and reified identity and mûl-ôl—but don’t give it power in resisting it. Fretting is a sign of fear and submission—
“The Truth of ‘The Will’ not the thing believed”
There’s a solipsism in Spare that attempts to deflect halthaya and mûl-ôl by reversing them onto the universe.
I can see the libertarian impulse in Spare or leading out of Spare (And PC is a grumpy old libertarian.)
He does try to act as a libertarian Buddha. (AOS)
And he’s misogynist, so there’s that.
So much of this libertarian self-love business & solipsism is (1) deconditioning, (2) glamour of personal power—the performance of power and no submission, even as power, well—force in the Arendtian sense—is necessarily predicated upon someone’s submission. Magical power vs. magical force.
It is possible for me to fret about not doing enough magic, not doing enough with it, or thinking about it the right way and that just stresses me into nuisance.
There is a rebuttal to CM’s subconscious desire and vacuity—intentioned, active, assertive persons who pursue what they want do often make progress on what they want—they may be “mundane” things, but CM’s pursuits include many mundane actions. (This really just reinforces my growing sense that CM has a limited sense of how the mind works—or has missed the metaphor for the cliché.)
There’s little glamour in the CM world and the same misplaced triumph of the ejaculative male will—
The more you fret the more you resist but also turn against yourself.
The wind is glorious, and relaxing. Dana pulls at my mind, draws me and M together. And Elethis is far more visible and present when I’m chill.
Talk to yourself in a mirror, too—that was nicely relaxing, and dude, you’re looking pretty nice these days. It may also help you gain a sense of M.