I didn’t take passionflower yesterday, and I feel like it showed as the day progressed at work. After a point, I had a hard time channeling elthil, and trying felt like, crudely, sucking on an empty straw. I was tense and not wanting to be there—more so than usual. After I got out, I managed to chill and recover myself. I had to align—
–well, no passionflower probably helped being stressed.
I also got internalized and started fretting. Running the game with ______ and ____ helped, but that was a particular identity even if fun at the time.
It was good to talk to ____ at ____ about her game design work.
Hurur try to accrete, though. But I know I have anxiety and stress issues—but, though I balk at and dislike the notion, it’s probably an issue I need to blunt with medication (at the moment, passionflower).
But my accent has a tendency to shift towards the “English” accent I’ve been doing when especially fey or relaxed around particular people I can lower my guard with. People I’m okay showing my feyness to—but why that accent? Is it an affectation? Is it my relaxed but confident voice? Trancey? There’s something to the physical rhythm my body adopts—there is a rhythm to the body, when it’s not tight and marionetting to some shell personality as you’re worried about being “discovered.” There is that aspect of the thing.
–the stress necessitated a hug and some relaxation &–well, hugs—for AL in elaith-tir. So much of that plane includes being okay with yourself, loving yourself.
My reluctance to medicate to blunt anxiety is in part pride and fear of dependence, but it’s been helpful and makes me happier, or capable of doing these things I want to do, far more easily and freely.
I’ve considered that Dana may also be Morrigu and other goddesses, and she has that potentiality of personality—and I think that connects Angus and Dana and Morrigu in interesting ways, and then me. She’s seemed alternatingly somber (and tall) indoors, and having fun outdoors.
Dancing mind—applies to how I conceive of myself and the world.
Representation remains a significant part of the magical and personal enterprise, pointing to realities that action, WtaW, symbols, etc., serve as guides to. Now, if [Elethis] points to, represents, enfolds (if that’s an apt metaphor), Elethis, what do I do when I project it or integrate it? In a way, I make that experiential reality a part of mine—or vice-versa. In elaith-tir, in my body and mind—
–and the currents and coils of elthil of the green I try to make part of me.
An alternative take is that I’m re-aligning myself to an experiential reality I’m already a part of.
I have also been trying to recover myself from this world—stripping away false egos, hurur, and perconceptions (halthaya & mûl-ôl)—most would see this act in essentialist terms—I think it may be more a matter of relaxation so/as I act/perform/live as I choose. So maybe it’s a matter of liberty rather than Being. (Well, that does seem the case—)
How can I find, pursue—well, resistance. Subject of resistance. You need, want a community, others—others who feel and live similarly—
–there’s something fundamental about that. People need/want others who believe & live like they do. Power? What does it mean to live as a faerie, as even _____? There’s a physical component I don’t fully grasp its significance, but—
I—I live as something like a kithain, don’t I? Caught between human and fae, unable to be fully fae, unwilling to be human. Refusing to live human, to think of myself as human—that’s the distinction. It’s identifying or thinking of myself as human—because that’s a trap, that’s oblivion, ceasing to resist. I can play, pass as human, but it’s easy to think of myself as “human” and lose myself. To no longer control my self-conception. And that self-conception works at body, mind, social, spiritual, etc.—those levels.
But I am not kithain, even though I am in similar circumstances. But magic is still partly, simple a matter of doing, daring, leaping at actuality and action actualization. Or I want it to be—so much planning & not doing. But that same thinking also applies to living as fey, living as myself—loving myself,—
–that’s why people get in relationships: it’s easier to love yourself when someone else does so.
There’s also whatever the power having elaith-tir grants—makes possible—for wyrd magics and affecting the worlds.