Sanity & Magic

She is Morrigan and Dana and even has been the Dragon of ________—

She feeds me fruits—she envelopes me and dwells within—

Evoking [Elethis] in Saiyûnor and here sometimes feels like I’m already “inside” them and it’s harder to do so (or easy enough I think it should be harder)

Part of me worries about what is going on, but I don’t really want to—I want whatever we are doing to me, how we are shaping body, spirit, mind—

Confidence is relaxed—if you have to screw your courage to the sticking place then you’re neither confident nor relaxed—you’ve mixed fear and mania and anger and will burn through fear or rage—

–but I can’t view myself as a series of tasks and habits; I feel I should respond and live, adapting and dealing with issues as I notice them. [Maintain self-reflectivity.] I also feel I should relax into Saiyûnor and [Elethis] and so on—not slack into them, but I shouldn’t allow “hunger” for them to drive me, or to drive myself into “hunger.”

“Am I dying?” I asked Her last night, thinking of all those who wasted away [into faerie] and were taken. “I’m helping you live.”

Evoke [Elethis] along and into the Presence/body while channeling elthil, or at least while aware of kinesthesia, etc. Also that sense of wings still comes sometimes, and Dana’s Morrigan aspect and our connection makes that sense make some sense. They’re not constant—they’re definitely more a “Phoenix effect” aura sorta thing.

Dana told me last night there’re “dwarves” at the white mount, and there are others in the woods—but I need to improve my projection and Presence before I go social.

I sometimes feel very manic, and in part, I may be hyperventilating myself at times. However, other things convince me: if nothing else, the “soul work” and “self-therapy” keep me going. And I try to be patient.

The forms of halthaya, mûl-ôl, and hurur are multitudinous: worrying about insanity, is it delusion? Yes, you need to guard against those things; but you can’t go halfway. “Sane” doesn’t magic. “Sane” isn’t _____. “Sane” is a prison. Be self-reflective. Check delusion. But you can’t be sane.

I reject “sanity.” I reject delusion.

It occurs to me that shaping the flesh is easiest by nudging the body’s processes via magic: long term use of regeneration to effect transformation. Keep at it: let the body catch up and shift. Help it as you can. More vulgar effects are possible, but without the proper developed knack—I suppose “skill” can be used—then you put yourself at risk of illness or injury. The elthil concretized in the body must be tapped, shifted, and allowed to settle and stabilize. This process can avoid accidental problems and shocks or mere glamours of form.

You should start experimenting with vulgar magicks in “subtle” ways: not as elaborate things but as just…acts. Fuck with a door and make it a path into the Dream. See what happens. Make defixio for outlandish things. Or what you think are “outlandish.” You need to break the expectations and limitations you’ve been conditioned to accept.

I want to fly in the sky like Neo.

I want to transform physically into my feri, fey, _____ form.

I want to have, to use telekinesis.

I want to have perfect vision.

I want the fire in my head to make me a master poet.

I want to cross fully into Haisuith and Saiyûnor and leave this Earth realm should I choose.

I want to command the winds—or to have their friendship.

I want to grow or to shrink as I choose.

I want to live ageless and young forever.

I want to have supernatural, superhuman agility, strength, endurance, stamina, speed

I want to sing and speak with a voice clear and enchanting

I want to heal with a word or touch.

I want to inspire myself and others.

I want to live free with power.

I want to know the speech of trees and the skies.

I want to stride Haisuith and Saiyûnor and Koranith and see them and Earth and other worlds clearly.

I want wealth and to share that wealth.

I want to come with the Goddess.

I want the voice and company of dragons.

I want to master my wyrd and to shape the wyrd of the worlds.

I want confidence and sprezzatura.

I want inhuman, superhuman martial prowess.

I want to master my dreams and to walk through my dreams and others.

I want love.

I want to stand tall.

I want superhuman health.

I want to see things no one else can see and do things no one else can do.

I want to walk with the gods as their friend.

I want to move through time and space to wherever and whenever I choose.

I want prosperity and good fortune for myself and my family.

I want to walk the clouds.

I want to have fantastic charisma.

I want to live happy and free and with power.

I want magic and to live as magic.

I want freedom from fear, anxiety, shame, and rage beyond my due measure.

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