Mist over lake Kaviškis (Lithuania)

Trying Too Hard, Randolph Carter, Bridging

Thursdays are too busy. Next Thursday, I’m going to try to give myself much more time for whatever—I was trying too hard instead of doing. Two cups of kava before, with something to pick up afterwards?

I’m not sure what Morrigan and I—we were trying to get me more fully there, more Present in the glade in the Worlds, to inhabit my body—after a fashion, it’s a matter of integrating body and body, Presence to body, and being able to fully inhabit the Presence when it moves away, but also to keep it at hand, integrate, otherwise. I think I need to identify with the Presence, make it mine and me and omnipresent (with “me”). There’s a strong disconnect I want to bridge between body, spirit, self,–

To some degree, it seems the kinesthetic element of dance was helpful in the attempt last night—I’m really just “scrying” into places right now, not projecting, per se. I may be adept at scrying, but there’s a refusal to—let go—to unlock myself—not sure if it’s fear (a little), lack of experience (yes), or if I’m trying to figure it out on my own with Dana-Morrigan’s help (yes). That displacement is difficult, and part of it is the core identification with the corporeal body after years of disembodied thinking and avoidance of that body (–an unwillingness to even inhabit my body let alone another.

There’s a lightness in all this I’m not quite getting—“trying too hard” without doing it the right way. Trees are really helpful for me, but—

–another thing is projecting consciously and not just getting at and into a dream or as if dreaming (though the distinction between consciousness and that may be dubious)—the bridging is the important part and crossing back with memory is also important. You want to avoid just falling asleep and into a dream.

–actually, the ritual act helps frame and bridge the shift in consciousness—and a similar process may help with general lucidity. dJ gets at this in a roundabout way with CC through “persistence,” but guided visualization and Presence may be something to try—that is, something all Randolph Carter and the Thousand Steps of Sleep. Glide down into a hypnogogic state—or, it’s a notion.

The scrounging and “molding life conditions” dJ advocates is a reference to (something like) the self-therapy found in many systems but also, I’d hazard, general forms of relaxation and energy work. Otherwise, to point back to Dunn, practice and immersion, exercising a dormant faculty—an awakening into awareness that’s maybe a bit more ([??]) “I’m awake” than the trauma we usually associate (with awakening experiences).

I’m at a plateau, approaching a new stage. I’m seeing difficulties—feel a bit frustrated, etc., so I should keep at it until it clicks—and I remember patience and the rate of progress I’ve had. It seems so compressed—at Beltane, I rite’d with Dana but was still having problems hearing her.

=Also, having looked back, the lead-in to Beltane had me feeling manic from what I blamed on spring, and Midsummer had pressure. So most seasonal days likely have some effect. [Lughnasadh], Aug. 1, is next.

To a good degree, I also overthink and overstress, but that is partly the process by which I confront myself and the worlds.

The worlds feel close, or Haisuith does.

The branches of Elethis continue up and beyond my sight into the HW—

–is my lack of bridge to the memories of other times in the “second attention”—what has Dana been telling me for ages?—is that a form of halthaya? Or just an inability to connect, to bridge?

At times I feel a bit corvidy [in] glances, gazes, shifting attention to things around me.

I want a defixio for remembering, and for projecting—

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