Part of the problem—other than impatience and lack of practice—is that I’m still reintegrating. I’m good at bifurcated awareness, at scrying and being in two places at once, but I’m still a divided spirit. And just as I’ve been by points wary of accepting M, she has reason to be wary of me. We need to woo each other—
–I’m also reluctant to shed the safety of mediated experience—the screen mentality—for true immersive inhabitization [sic], and unmediated Presence—(well differently mediated but far more immediate and present)—unmediated presence and identity. So much of identity is tied into the kinesthetic reality of this world’s body, and to project and inhabit my Presence, to identify with her—there’s a challenge there. (To be fair, Dunn, AC, & all the rest talk about projecting one’s “body” as an “astral” version of the mundane body, and I’m not doing that.)
I’m also stressing, tensing, fretting, and frustrating myself—the mission is to keep at it, do the energy work, to keep integrating myself and project and keep at it. And don’t let my limitations damper other areas (like magic in general). But I also need to broaden and loosen my identity so I can embrace my desires and make them actualized.
I should try the automatic writing again with her, use that as a connection, but also returning to the White Room.
Okay, honestly, lying down is not immediately what helps you (save for rite-ing)—posture, breath, you can channel roots and elthil—relax, embrace, accept, identify—and you need more med’n, which you’ve been skipping out on.
You need stillness for med’n, but it helps—and so does mindfulness.
Look at you, fretting over so much about the magic now—you’re trying to cram everything together and master it all at once.
I’ve come to identify with the body and its wholly corporeal experiences, as I noted, and you stick yourself there, mediated behind eye-screens, unsocialized, isolate still. So much otherwise you’re still disembodied consciousness.
And I have a crow that caws in my heart chakra. Sort of expectantly and a bit “What’s up?”, [she looks up,] and she likes elthil into the chakra. I need to replenish the root/shoot in me.
MW says JW had her hands full at the hospital: Dad’s pain drew in a bunch of stuff, and a hospital (as old as [that one]) has a lot of crap in it. I invoked her WtaW and channeled roots of the Green into her. I did this quickly, without fuss, and it seemed to work really well. I’m so willing to do—can do, do do this sort of thing on the fly.
Also, I mean, my sense of the Dream while walking or conscious is good here.
I want to invoke M—the formal ritual
I want a fucking back rub—
Also, be happy and confident and calm with yourself—it really helps you in general
–As I think about invoking M, it occurs to me that Morrigan may have been talking with me in the Dream, a “second attention” me (or even more)—so, really, can I invoke or evoke that aspect. Or go out into the Dream in search of myself—if I am divided against myself…
…and the process may be good for reintegration with M, as well.
Angus told me _______was already there for me and I had to find/recall it, recall that self as it were.
Dancing mind of selves, identity as dance—
Vitimus makes the point that ritual tools for invocation & evocation—specific tools for spirits—help segregate the influence and presence of these beings to the ritual space & time.
Try adding/recalling details in projection from the environment in question.
The glade needs details, especially at night
Shadows keep passing over head—it’s the Morrigan, MW & I think.
I really want to develop my own bunks.
___—is awesome. ___—is always the best. I—she shared a bunch of stuff, recommendations, and my brain feels weird and sliding swaying dancing. I want it—whatever’s, whatever Morrigan and I are doing—I want it.—