Demons, Desires, Chief Demons

The moon is still mostly full, and it feels like late spring or October this morning. It occurred to me that my sense of the Otherworlds grew closer after several days of calling them into me, my life, and this world. Otherwise, last night She tested me in regards to my desires again, and the most persistent—the most persistent thorn in my spirit is my loneliness, which has helped fester and has festered so much else. It’s stared at me all this time—a void, a shadowy, oddly-pressured void that is the outer aura for someone else inside, who uses that void as a mask, as weapon, as armor. There’s a demon there I want to reclaim, to reform, to recover him/her into some better life. That one’s obscure and hidden, has been fed by me for ages, and—has grown proud, I think. _______ and the ___are outer manifestations, satellites or pages for whoever’s inside, but I think ________ ___ is the distraction and the face—but he also needs, I want to reform him, as well.

Man, I’d spelled to feel, to grow more confident about romantic relationships—then I perceive the outer edges of a demon of loneliness (and the shame demon). Proud and angry loneliness.

Does the Dark Host, can they work with the demons they find in people? [No, well, maybe, but they harvest the fragments of the dead souls and the demons they produced.] {Ed: They can probably notice those demons—and manipulate them to manipulate the person.}

And there’s a clencher—he’s more an imp, but he gets at physical stress that distracts—__________. A little guy of knotted muscle, dull red like exposed, dried muscles without skin, goblin-like otherwise with bright human eyes.

Man, and yesterday I couldn’t think of any others—

But She again tasked me about my desires (gently, but without any indulgence), and it occurs to me She sees loneliness and shame as my demons and my actions to resolve—they’re distractions from what She would otherwise say or show me.

I have trouble remembering dreams earlier in the night—and these may be the one’s I’d really rather remember. I might try Valerian again (check the expiry, though). But I woke up at 1:35 last night, had been dreaming, and needing to pee (and being tired) kept me from having any clue what I’d dreamt. But I’m starting to get a sense I’m doing whatever dreaming earlier and forgetting.

Do my spelling before getting in bed—out loud, before the altar.

Self-Loathing: the Bone White Figure.

She mocks, he stalks, an ego ideal gone demonic

When I think on Thorn’s question—“What is your Chief Demon?”—Self-Loathing first comes to mind.

I find him trying to get at me—“You’ve uncovered so many demons today—don’t you suck?” But I know it’s you—and I’m gonna hug & talk to you.

I know who you want to be, what you want—you want it all—the immortality, youth, adventure, love, travel, respect, power, violence, force—you want the life of previous incarnations. You never want to bow or scrape or hide. You want what I want—because we are [Crowess]. And you grew frustrated, hateful, and you blamed us for life here & KT. I know you would try to burn it all because it’s not right—nor are we. You’re a demon—and I’ve got you for a Chief Demon.

[…]

Via Thorn’s idea of working with the Chief Demon, though I don’t know about the double triangle—but it’d be put on a larger scale sheet, bounding the demon’s name/sigil/etc. with divine or allied names to hedge its infernal influence. Thorn posits the demonic grimoires (of the medieval and later) as being inner demons turned to the “Great Work,” but I think she ignores evocation for more pragmatic ends.

It’s been a tense last couple of days, and I’ve had anger flashes I really shouldn’t have. I want to avoid these flashes, but I don’t want to beat myself up over feeling angry, though I don’t feel like I should have been as angry as I was.

Thursday, I plan to address ______ ____, Void, and ______—and the defixio for living situation.

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