Shining, Aspiration, Desire & Will

I want to better understand and grasp Thorn’s elthil cycling practice and the shining/brightening glamour practice. Last night I danced in Corunor as S played the drum and V, myself, and finally the Morrigan danced about the fire the sisters set.

While at the [pub] last night, I noted that while Present with my cycling elthil and auras, I felt more aware of the immediate environment. _____ stood out the most, but _______, as well.

I want to better see and understand the crack of light behind me, the whispered song—that may be a better sense of my God Spirit, perhaps.

During my filling yesterday, I med’d with sid co nem, nem co doman while watching Star Trek.

Shining seems like an active thing, but you can’t continuously squirt out light—the easiest thing is to relax the light out, accept you already shine but occlude it ordinarily. At that point, you can relax that occlusion and allow your shine to emerge. “Clear and bright” has a method to it, despite the Fever Men reference. There’s still the kind of aura and Presence one puts forth, which is either a mask glamour or how we conperceive ourselves. This Presence links corporeality with the Otherworlds—the Bridge—and they can influence and shape each other.

(It’s tempting to think of God Soul as the true, highest, etc. self, but that makes you wonder why it’s having to deal with you in the first place. It’s another part of who we are, one we are usually ignorant of and which gives us power.) [Thorn specifically notes we reach towards the God Soul and vice versa.]

Presencing plus cycling plus Crowess (from projection)

The Wicked + The Divine and living as—like that—as god(dess), divine, magical self (which may be why _____ pointed me at them). The same with the other comic series. Mind you, we’ve also had a strong Luciferian extended moment—especially attempts to reform/rehabilitate/reframe Lucifer as something of a liberator and challenger.

What is my purpose here then?

[elthil cycling diagrams]

Nor is it hard, at that point, to Present myself as Crowess—. And brightness and shining seems, in many ways, to be a matter of allowing ourselves to do so—to feel open and free and powerful—to be Present and Clear and Bright and Bridging the Otherworlds and Here.

There’s a kind of heady, not quite giddy, but mischievous confidence, relaxed but powerful.

There is the question of what I am doing now—what is my desire and purpose for this time. To a good degree, it’s getting my present life and practice into reasonable order. My larger Wyrd and desires can unfold themselves as I get better. Take advantage of the Path you’re on and the time to explore and work on practice.

There is a giddy desire to be open and “out there”—active, social, confident, magical, etc.—to act in the world & Worlds—to move and act freely—to not work in [customer service] is also an aspiration.

“Should” as grudging or hedging compared to “want”

Will—active choices, willing to do and choose actions. Thorn frames will as a muscle to develop through its exercise.

Will vs. Fear—fear that something may change us

I have desire—I want better will

–You have to choose to act & to want for yourself, not for selfish reasons but because we always begin from ourselves before we can help others

What within seeks—and what resists?

Thorn advises starting with smaller acts of will as springboards to larger ones, recognizing that more complex desires/actions have less immediate control over outcomes. I can recall Dunn’s “acts of power” which are much the same.

I exercised. Watch my diet. Do not smoke. I have the will to do so. It’s the more social desires, in fact, that I have issues with. I fear looking foolish—. So, I should work to address these constrictions while remaining open to potentialities and opportunities. I also worry/fear a relationship revealing me to someone in ways I can’t foresee, reveal things I’m in denial about or don’t want to see. And I’m afraid that a relationship won’t solve those problems, and I’ll be there, miserable. Or trapped. [I also fear imposing my feelings—expressing my feelings—to another for fear of dismissal and rejection.]

________ noted my commanding voice—and I know I have a presence that’s intimidating to most, but I’ve been conditioned to downplay all that, to doubt my voice and size and body. To minimize presence and movement—bullying when I was young at school—mind you, all these [people] were compensating for their own inadequacies, but I internalized a lot myself—and I got angry and weird and self-destructive. And that [problem] and self-consciousness combined with whatever weird misogyny and emotional hang-ups my family instilled in me. And passive aggressive BS. I was tall, Nordic, cute—and so others worked to make me hate and doubt myself. I reject this self-loathing, mincing life. I have allowed myself to be rendered mute, subject, small—

“Stand!” he told me.

“I want to be taller!” I’ve said.

I’m likely in far better shape than these [people]. I’m far more educated than any of them. Now I want to—I want to live freely and fully—I want that giddy free magical confidence and—to live as my fey, real self—Your resentment emerges from your realization of what they did, the excuses they instilled in you, and your recognition that you should, deserved more than what they’d left you

You intimidated them, so they diminished you, and you did it—and you’re fucking smart & educated and articulate—and you did it out of sympathy.

No more. Do not act like a dick. But do not self-deprecate. Do not diminish yourself. Do not shrink or be silent. Do not concede unless you want to. Do not be “nice.” Be kind. “Nice” is subjection and submission. Kind and kindness, these are choices and actions.

Set new routines that help energize us and our will.

They told me to fear You, Mother-Lover. They want me to fear You. Why do they fear You? But You’ve always been there, calling to me.

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