I dreamt of resurrecting small animals and stuff last night, and I had spelled for teaching dreams, though I’m not sure what I should learn from that.
I feel nervous about tomorrow, but Presence, shadowed gaze, and general mindfulness helps fantastically. My anxiety stems in part from projecting myself into futures (and my anger from projecting into pasts). But doing so feels like I harden myself—more spider webs and strands I try to leave around me.
—Anger also comes from dealing with the rude and abusive and people you feel waste your time—and you feel entirely too much anger at these people, direct too much energy at fuming (because you can’t direct it where your body and anger want it to go—) I think it’s still a reaction coming often from subjection & lack of control—but anger & fear are also infectious states; I can imagine evolutionary reasons, but fear can be an aura (when one person feels fear, it spreads) and an angry person shoots it at their targets and has an aura that spreads (or provokes fear). Institutions use faces to direct anger at proxies—customer service, etc., magnified by phone distancing and false customer power/egos. There are business reasons to do so—someone has to deal with customers the corp fucks with—but it also redirects elthil actively pointed at the egregore and corporate entity into poppets, and the public blames poor CSRs [Customer Service Representatives] for stupidity, ills, etc., but they evade culpability. Gov’ts also try to do so, but not as successfully, and corps have proven adept at redirecting to gov’ts, too.
Do I attack with my anger? Not against the source or target but more so I go back to the past in many cases, feedbacking onto my experience, making myself angrier with no real result other than exhausting myself and redirecting/spilling anger around me.
Last night, the Morrigan’s shadow passed while ____ & _______ played , and She came to me in the glade, having me sit, touching me on the arm, head, wings—quiet, but my mind is probably not soft enough to hear Her and not my own fears & desires—She took me to Corunor where I met my sisters and they had a cauldron boiling—that may be where my dreams came from—and really, my dreams were about magic in this world, doing it because I thought I could.
Institutional egregores are strange things. We conceive of nations in often anthropomorphic terms—Britannia, the Queen, Uncle Sam, the President, etc.—but institutions are often buildings that take in people and abstracted, genius loci and monoliths and ideas more than “persons”—corporate mascots are an attempt to partake of the identity nations have, but they’re still weirdly totemic and uncanny: Big Blue, Ronald McDonald, the gecko, [uni mascots]. Of course, these are more avatara and faces, but they can serve as effective targets & proxies. Walmart & similar companies like Apple are more abstract, with the execs (Jobs, Waltons) being the closest avatars. It also depends on how closely the mascot is id’d with the entity: [uni sports mascots] are more sports mascots, and the campuses are the real faces of their intelligences.
AOS makes an interesting take on “Abstract Art”—something “we do not…conceive before reification”—aesthetic desire that actualizes as itself. Abstract magic is an interesting idea, but I’m not sure how the results would be. He embraces the inner chaos of the creative mind from a very particular, psychological, & paradigmal perspective. (And he’s phallogocentric.) Also, the man’s a dick who passive aggressively and obliquely talks about himself as Mr. Awesome. He’s “The Stoic.” Pretentious diction all over the place.
AOS and “aesthesis” (art/magic, making sense of things)
“If the heart decay, pleasurable life ends & a deadly race of elementals shall incarnate, protecting their powers by cruelty and nihilism—gross, human minotaurs.” Cf. what the Dark Host tries to do and corps.
We are so preoccupied by our habits and thoughts and appetites that we blind ourselves to what’s going on & the details & wonder—there seems like there should be strangeness often happening—I’ve felt and seen the “general” wonder, but—I’m missing something—
AOS, despite his diction, advocates wisdom through “resounding word-graphs to cipher a mystic meaning” where “a flood of words” fails—barbarous words, wordless songs, so long as “euphony” I think.
In his aesthetic and “abstract procreative” phallic principle that calls to mind the SG (but through AOS’s phallo-guychauvinism)
A lot of this is posturing and an attempt to raise his desires to godlike levels & to defy and surpass halthaya, but I wonder if he escaped hurur.
AOS posits incarnation as an imperfect alternate microcosm of the macro seeking to make micro something like we think macro may or should be (I think)—
 As I transcribe and edit today, the process is probably reversed to be more of a tulpa than avatara, or an egregore made tulpa.