Words, Narrative, Magic

I did not get the position…, though they apparently “like me.” Whether that translates into anything, we’ll see.

I find myself dwelling still on the interview—it’s still fresh—and I do not want to. I think about my spelling for the position and the interview. So I will spell for new opportunities. And I will enjoy this afternoon—

It’s easy for me to get caught up in my storytelling and narrativization, even in my writing here—and in doing so, I have to guard against hurur, and those hurur include my [career professional] persona. Beyond that, I let words dominate me. No, they occlude and distract me. I have this deranged edifice of words, stories, tropes—and these things jumble me, distract and confuse me. They get in the way of me and action and desire. Rehearsing and narrativizing and trying to pin myself down to an imagined perfect performance. That I can’t live up to. Deadly seriousness and words. I erect these counterselves and cast my energy into these things, and I feel they often leave me head blind.

I find myself thinking back to AOS’s “euphony” and the use of WtaW/“alphabets of desire,” but also to other works of art—Feri methods?—and I wonder if there are ways to get—to shape my world beyond what I’ve been doing. There are.

I should explore them. Watercolor. WtaW and—

—knots of obstruction in my mind, body, and spirit—things I want to scream out, through, and beyond—the Fire in my Head wants to get out, to actualize like art I want to make, like love I want to make—my mind moves like fire and wind and lightning—

And—I got it—I got the position. Magic […] for the win. I did it—with help, but I did it.

All that said, I also want to pursue this word issue and the release of desire and will through other means.

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