Saló dels Miralls in Gran Teatre del Liceu (Barcelona, Catalonia)

Stumbling towards Self-Possession

Figuring out how to live in the world as my self, as I want to live, mindful, magical,—at home, comfortable and confident in my skin—I’ve been struggling with that most of my life. I want to have the courage to at least act like I want to, to live magically, to feel free to feel I can act authentically to my life, my imagination, and my work. My action.

Although I feel harried still, I also feel the Otherworlds closer, more immediate than they had been. I feel progress continues nonetheless.

I’ve neglected my energy work. That work is less about amount of energy, which you’ll never feel you have enough, most likely, but about connecting self, mind, body, spirit. When I channeled the Green from below up and through me last night, I felt that I really needed to do this far more often—but I also felt body, mind, spirit “wake up” and unite in ways they haven’t otherwise lately, and I felt the wings easily and as—C-L L-C[1]—that awareness was at hand and palpable.

I have felt admitting to that name in part because I feared the power it would give people over me if I feared it, feared the reality of me it pointed to, fear if I did not claim that name. Mind you, Odin came close to me and whispered not to give that name to Gli’an, but “[Crowess]” is fine, but the power and confusion I feel about the name would give the sexy water idis too much potential influence over me.

As I climbed the trunk of Elethis’s bark, I pulled a chunk off, which fell.

Energy work and breathing—

Thorn says to gather myself in the peace and wholeness I have before going into the tumult, and to return to it over the course of the day.

[1] This C-L L-C refers to a formula I started writing often in the grimoires, a sort of self-reflexive, almost palindromic reference to identity that can be C-L L-C or sometimes L-C C-L, depending on whether C or L was closer to the “outside” of that formula.

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