The trance last night took some time to get into, and the “seizures” and convulsions and other effects,—trouble focusing my vision, closing and clutching my eyes, clutching my head,—I think that has to do with reconciling the split perceptions, visual and kinesthetic, in particular—we’re still figuring out how to bridge, but we want it. I do feel that getting past the disconnected spirit & the tension/stress to get to the bridging trance contributes to the present experience. The Morrigan’s presence and touch serves in part to calm her on the Otherworldly side and to provide a stimulus for me to feel that side and to keep the site secure. I wonder if we are both using the glade in the desert as a middle-point—her presence along the mountain wood path otherwise may be where she tends to go, and my occasional sense of being/seeing there may be, during trance, glimpses of her world.
My early automatic writing with “M”, (hah!) was likely with my, at the time, nascent subconscious awareness of her and the tenuous bridge to her. I may want to try to have a real conversation. We have our moments of congruent thought, the reverberations, but butting up against each other in trance doesn’t settle or accomplish anything. I should not assume she is the same as me, wants the same, or is just an extension of me—because then why would integration be a desire or goal. Just as I have egos and personalities that rise from my fucked up human experiences and hang-ups, she may have similarly egos—hell, “we” here may embody several of them.
Soften—Silence. We both Will and Dare into the Other; we both want to join, bridge, and integrate, but we may both also want to—Soften into the Other. The Twins should embrace and join together, not shove the other out of the way—
—and as I think about this, med’d lightly as I write, relax, and Soften some now, I feel us grow closer and more immediate. I wonder if “God Soul” is the wrong way to think about it, creates transcendental expectations—what if it’s not, what if she’s not my “God Soul” but just another me, another part of my greater wholeness I want and need now and here? What is the Path is more ________ than “Great Work”?
But in the glade, Elethis rises in a different direction, which I find odd, especially since while in my trance, I felt Her in that direction rather than the normal SxSE. I also felt the firelight, the fire behind me as we writhed on the carpet/sand/woodland path.
I think tonight I will try automatic writing, try to speak with her—I think there are times our thoughts run together, and I may mistake my thoughts for how or even hers as mine, and I wonder if we just want to run together—
But I want more med’n, more aligning, more energy work—(1) for self-possession/relaxation, etc., but also (2) to soften us closer and more together.
Quiet reflection seems to be something the world tries to deny us at every opportunity.
I want greater control over where my thoughts go. Too much “day dream” fretting and thinking about work.
[ôl-vala/FitE][1]
[1] I did have my conversation with her, but I’ve chosen to keep that private, though the next entry refers back to it.
Feather & Scale 