I rited tonight, and I always underestimate the Guardians until I’m talking to them. BM always leaves me prone because I connect back to her and to the greater realities, but also I reconnect to myself. I disconnect during my day, pull away from the world and, in doing so, I pull away from and disconnect from myself. BM is like plugging in to a power source that lights up all the dark parts of myself.
My conversations with the Guardians force me, have me reflect upon myself, confront my feelings and perceptions. I’m unsure if it’s the whole process—it is, in part—but BM and HS usually knock me prone. They’re ecstatic moments, moments of reconnection. And FitE is easier these days because I feel more in turn with her—
Otherwise, I pulled down Luin from above—and in doing so, I imagined I was reconnecting to C and my goddess. And as I pulled up Calen from below, I pulled from TTL.
I med’d, found myself wanting to do art more—watercolors, WtaW, and more—whatever—and I ordered art supplies earlier to help me do so.
I found the Morrigan close tonight—actually, She, BM, WM, the Guardians in general seemed closer, more immediately audible. I feel a bit of shock at times when a voice or Presence comes right at me (or I notice the, well, proximity), but I think it’s often my own trance and flashing awareness. SS heard me speak about my awareness of my hurur’s resistance to change, and he spoke words of advice about the nature of habit. My flashes are more moments of recognizing the Other’s Presence and Action.
I med’d, and I found the Morrigan sitting next to me, larger than life and off-scale, but there She was. I had a moment of awe and emotion because Her gesture struck me as very much an honor—. I felt the urge to cry for a bit, but I feel I was confronted with my own self-esteem and self-worth and intimacy issues. I ken I often feel “unworthy” of others’ positive attention, affection, and gestures of intimacy. I felt this more from these gestures of affection more than more overt, formal displays—I think the gestures disarm me and slip past my defenses and catch me both by surprise but also as more sincere.
As I connected to TTL and faerie tonight, I felt the second attention close/more immediate, and I felt tired, as well. I wondered why I felt so tired, but She noted it is late and I want rest. I acknowledged this, even if I find it counterproductive to knowing or doing anything.
I did Thorn’s water rite [kala] tonight, targeting my resistance and fear of change for reintegration. That was some good water, by the way.